Jack Daniels Straight Up
by Crossbow
Summary: Get your Jack x Daniel slash without all the boring details. MM slash.
1. Chapter 1

**Jack Daniels Straight Up**

Get your Jack/Daniel slash without all the boring details.

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**Version 1: Where Jack is Not Gay.**

"I'm not really gay. It was the alien atmosphere. The atmosphere made us do it. No, wait, it was that alien virus. No, the alien drink, yeah that's it. That's the ticket."

"Go back to sleep, Jack."

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**Version 2: Where Jack is Gay**

"Daniel, I have a confession to make: I'm gay."

"That's so cool! Can I be gay too?"

"What? No! Hey! Get off me!"

"Sorry. That was bad of me. You should spank me."

"Oh, for crying out loud."

"I'm going to pout now."

"No! Not the pout! Anything but the pout! Oh, this is so wrong…"

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**Version 3: Where Daniel is Gay**

"Jack, I have a confession to make: I'm gay."

"What? Since when?"

"All my life."

"Daniel, you're not gay. I've seen your record collection – not a single Barbara Streisand album. You never quote The Wizard of Oz. Plus, you keep sleeping with women."

"No, really! I'm gay as a two-dollar bill!"

"See, that doesn't even make sense! Besides, what about Sha're?"

"Who?"

"I mean Sha'uri. Your wife, Daniel. Remember?"

"Oh, that. I was just compensating."

"Well, how about Shyla?"

"Sarcophagus addiction. Wasn't myself."

"Melocia?"

"Regression virus. Wasn't myself."

"Hathor?"

"Pheromone mind control. Wasn't myself."

"Sarah?"

"Graduate school. Wasn't myself."

"Linea?"

"Amnesia. Wasn't herself."

"Vala?"

"Don't even GO there, Jack."

"I'm just saying…"

"Look, Jack, are we gonna have sex or not? Because there's a line of fangirls forming behind you, and I've got like eighteen Mary Sue stories to be in before noon."

"_Sex_? With _me_? _Why_? Never mind, forget I asked that. Let's go! We can be at my house in ten minutes."

"Hey, why your house?"

"Because you have a different apartment every time we go over there and it's creepy."

"I meant, what's wrong with this offi – wow. I've never seen anyone get undressed that fast."

** fade to black **

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**Author Notes: **

Would you believe I actually had to do research for the Daniel one? I had to look up all his girlfriends. While doing so I ran across several comments about how every single time they show where he lives, it's a different apartment. Had to work that in.

I don't think I'll be doing a "Daniel is Not Gay" one because they're not substantially different from "Jack is Gay."


	2. Chapter 2

**Verion 4: The Generic Hurt/Comfort Fic**

"So, Daniel, how are you feeling?"

"Well, I was just tortured almost to death."

"Ow, I hate when that happens."

"Yeah, me too. It gives me flashbacks of all the times I was raped in foster care."

"You were raped in foster care? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Oh, I thought everyone knew – every kid gets raped in foster care. It says so in all the novels."

"Well, I don't read much."

"You know what would make me feel better?"

"Ice cream?"

"No – about four hours of anal sex."

"Um… Are you sure that's a good idea right now?"

"Sure. Well, maybe that _and_ ice cream…"


	3. Chapter 3

**Version 5: Daniel Has Amnesia**

"Who am I? What's going on?"

"Oh, for cryin' out loud. Not this again."

"What?"

"You're name's Daniel Jackson, you're an archaeologist, and you're very prone to amnesia."

"Ah. And you are?"

"I'm Colonel Jack O'Neil, and I'm your commanding officer."

"I'm an archaeologist with a commanding officer?"

"Look, I could explain it all to you but you'd forget it next week anyway."

"Maybe if you show me where we live, I'll remember something."

"First of all, we don't live together. Second, you never recognize your apartment because you move like four times a year. Third, you should really stay on base because…"

"We don't live together? Are you sure? So, do I sleep over at your place or what? And why do I move so often? Wait, what kind of base?"

"No, I'm SURE we don't live together. You probably move a lot because of some deep-seated insecurity I don't want to know about. And this is an Air Force base."

"I'm in the Air Force?"

"No, I am."

"Oh… it must be tough being a gay Air Force colonel."

"I WOULDN'T KNOW."

"Come on Jack, I may have amnesia, but I'm pretty sure we're a couple."

"No we're not! Why do you do this to me every time you lose your memory?"

"Because you're so cute when you get all worked up like that."

"I… Hey!"


End file.
